Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
