Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
