I'm so fucking centered right now
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
