weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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