Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
