I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
