And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
