I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
