Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
