My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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