The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
