WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
