Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
