woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
