Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
