i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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