My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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