oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
