my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
