im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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