Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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