Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
