Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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