I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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