It's like God shit irony all over that family
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We are two peas in an std pod
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
