found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
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