Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Who did Billy Mays play for?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
