i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
