Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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