Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think your dad took our porno
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
