why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
