what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
