yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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