I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
