wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
