i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
