Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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