remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
