Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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