**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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