Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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