worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
