so explain again why im purple
no
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
