I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
