Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
