I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
