tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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