Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
