my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
