totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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